i would like to be okay. i would like to be in a good place. i would like to stop feeling like i’m trapped in my head with so many differing POVs and i would ALSO like to know how the fuck to navigate them without just shaming myself for even feeling so disoriented. i would like to stop fucking breaking down every day. i would like to stop hating myself and being embarrassed and ashamed i exist. i would like to stop having panic disorder. i would like to stop avoiding public spaces for the fear i will see her. i would like to feel something consistent in regards to her so i can tell her and not have to harbor anything anymore. i would like to stop missing her so much. i would like to stop torturing myself with thoughts of “she pities you and thinks you’re pathetic scum; you’re poison why would she want you in her life, you’d be better off if you didn’t exist at least your existence wouldn’t make her miserable” and i would like for my brain to stop believing it’s true. i would like to stop measuring my self-worth based off of what others see me as and how others treat me. i would like for someone to grab my brain and help it and fix it but i have absolutely no idea how to do that. i would like to stop feeling so absolutely broken and not be blamed for what i’m going through. i would like to not feel like i’m a weak, worthless piece of shit that can’t handle anything and will never have positive, healthy relationships due to my brain and its issues. i would like to feel okay for thinking that other people have wronged me and stop feeling like i deserved whatever unfair bullshit i was given. i would like to see value in myself again and walk to my destinations with confidence that even if others don’t like me, i like me. i would like one day where i don’t truly fucking believe i’m scum and get so encased in self-hatred that i can’t see a foot in front of my face.
hey i can dream right
tl;dr i am not okay and i am probably the furthest, consistently, from okay i might have been in 9 years. i hate this and i need help and i would like to stop feeling like trash and a failure for not being able to handle anything
this is the greatest breaking bad video ever and it’s not even 10 seconds long
Let us appreciate the fashion goddesses that are the Team Rocket Trio!
shawn hunter + the matthews
Severe Skies: The Photography of Storm Chaser Mike Hollingshead
up until i was like 8 or 9 i dreamed of being a stormchaser
these pictures are pretty much the reasons why
Mother cat snuggles her kitties
Docu-Horror movies from the last few years that are actually good!
I know people hate these movies but I love them, the good ones at least, it’s not really a trend as much as it is a style and for certain things it works a hell of a lot better for certain subjects. Instead of getting irrationally angry at all of them, we should just start promoting the good ones and ignoring the bad ones.
Bigfoot: The Lost Coast Tapes
This is one of several Bigfoot docu-horror films that have been been made in the past few years. This one has the advantage of being the first to have a wide release (WIllow Creek is on the way next). It’s typical in places but watching it unravel to a bizarre, though noticeable if you pay complete attention, conclusion is fascinating. There are also some effective fright scenes that are shockingly well maintained.
A documentary that follows two investigators trying to track down the beginnings of the New York legend of Cropsey, it has some great spooky moments though and it’s fascinating to see what they uncover. Definitely a left-of-field release.
This one is notorious for not being available via DVD (even now!), it’s been around for years via download sites but it had its first premier on UK television a few months ago. It’s about a ton of tapes a serial killer recorded whilst carrying out his acts. There’s a weird cult-like fascination with the whole thing from those who haven’t seen it yet and it definitely lives up to the weird intrigue. It’s genuinely disturbing in places.
A mockumentary involving a group of people making a documentary about conspiracy theories in the modern world, their investigation, naturally, ends up hitting upon places they really shouldn’t be looking. It’s far more of a thriller than a horror but it’s fantastic nonetheless, one of personal favourites of this year as well.
WNUF Halloween Special
I only just watched this a few days back and it’s incredible, it’s a fabricated Halloween TV special from 1987 about a seance that takes place on live TV (a nod to Ghostwatch) and it looks ridiculously authentic with the 80s TV style aesthetic, enough to make you question whether it’s actually real or not. The filmmakers even went out of their way to make commercials for the damn thing. It’s probably my actual favourite film of this year so far, to be honest.
This is a strange one, it’s about a group of people who are making a documentary about one of their friend’s camping for the first time, for a project for class and they end up being attacked by strange creatures. But, that’s only a part of it, at some point there’s a complete shift and it’s utterly insane.
An Australian pseudo-documentary about the network of abandoned underground railway tunnels which were going to be used to extract water from, to help with the water shortage Sydney was going through at the time. However, the Government without warning abandoned the plan and didn’t tell anybody why, so a group of filmmakers set out to find out the reason, which they end up finding out and they wish they hadn’t. It’s really well put together with the mixture of found footage and documentary. It’s also notable for being spread virally via torrents at the request of the filmmakers.
A modern docu-horror about aliens, finally! It focuses on a couple who go to stay at a rural ranch in Texas that is owned by one of their family members. They start experiencing weird things and start to unravel secrets said family member has been hiding through the years. First released this year and it’s really really eerie in places. A hell of a lot better than the more recent alien docu-horror Skinwalker Ranch.
Not exactly well known, I wouldn’t have heard about it if it wasn’t for becoming friendly with the director. It’s about two young film-makers who are desperate for a subject to document, they end up stumbling upon Anthony McAllistar a cannibal serial killer who lets them document his lifestyle. It’s worth watching for Alviano’s performance as McAllistar and the incredible practical effects. It’s in the same ball-park subject-wise as Man Bites Dog.
Told via a series of interviews, news reports and footage taken from the area, it tells a story about a town that has become plagued by mutant parasites which starts to kill the population. The eco-friendly message is a little too on-the-nose but the performances are effective and Barry Levinson’s (Good Morning Vietnam, Rain Man) direction keeps the pace going for the entire film, it’s also his best film in countless years.